"The Bane of a Fake Date"

Found this written by one Jessica Hoopes and posted on Facebook.  I find it hilarious, and share it in hopes that this posting will expand her fame and future as a blogger extraordinaire. 

I AM happily married right now, but this brings back memories.  Just for the record: Dale asked me on our first date via text message, but on Wednesday, not Friday night.

"Ok fellas, you know the drill. There you are, fresh off the mish, looking for your eternal companion. Lo and behold, an angel appears....

WHOA WHOA WHOA REWIND! (sound effect of record disc being stopped abruptly)

Who we trying to kid here? no way! you are home and you are FREEEEEEE! so thus pose the next dilemma: Commandment: multiply and replenish the earth.
Desire: Playtime! -perhaps potential arm candy on the side.

Ok ladies, you know the drill. You're focused on school and your career right now, and you love being single. However, you are young and energetic and open for something new.

So there you are, it's 9:30 on a Friday night. -Note: just late enough that you're about to not make plans because you need to be in the library early on Saturday morning anyway to study for that big test that's gonna land you that sweet job you want.

You start getting ready for bed, maybe a quick hour of Grey's Anatomy and Ben&Jerry's; we have all done it.

10:30 p.m. -commence annoying cell phone beep of an inbox about to be completely bombarded

Here it comes. You KNEW it was going to happen.*
*Names have been changed to maintain confidentiality
Bill: "hey"  (how original and inspired, yet expected every Friday night for weeks on end)
Charlie: "What's goin on?" (it's Friday night, what do you think? Also an anticipated text.)
Fred: "Hey pretty girl, whatcha doin tonight?" (You're thinking, I have looked the same since 11th grade and you STILL have never asked me out)

But lady, after several years of experience, you know how to make this go down. Though all of these boys are potentially attractive, successful, charismatic partners, you know that it would be completely socially unacceptable to 1.) admit to not having plans on a Friday night, and 2.) accept shoddy effort and set yourself up for a lifetime of Fake Dates. That's right. Fake.

As every BYU student has undoubtedly heard from one religion professor or another, dates are as mentioned: Planned, Paired off, and Paid for.

Simple, right? Wrong. Apparently many of our fellow students on campus have failed to acknowledge this brilliant piece of advice. Favorite lines include the following:

• "hey, wanna come over and watch a movie?" -it's now 11:30 p.m. Common knowledge prime movie time.
• "I don't have any food, but if you wanna bring some cookies and come over that would be great!"
• "Oh, and bring your roommate if she wants to come"
• "I'm bored" 
• "What of the color of your toothbrush?"
• "Hey, it's been a while!" (since when? your last text like this? yeah. approximately seven days.)
• "Hey, when are we ever gonna chill?"
• "I miss you" interchangeable with "i miss your face"
• "Hey, do you wanna come sleep in my bed?" (WTF? HELL-O! NO!)
• "Hey let's be spontaneous and get Betos at midnight!"
• "wanna go hike the Y?" (code for: prep yourself, I am about to DTR you.)
• "The stars are really bright tonight" (there is snow on the ground. no WAY am I hanging out outside.)
• "Hey you" (handy, easy mass text)
• "I just heard something interesting about you that I think you should know about"
• "So i met your friend _____ tonight" (boy you once hooked up with. awkward.)
• "Hey, do you wanna do somethin?"
• "Hey, I know we had plans, but I don't really feel like doing anything. Wanna just come over?"

So in case any of you ladies are still wondering what to do in this situation, the answer is this:
9:30 p.m .  question:  "hey, what are you doing?"
12:00 a.m. response: "getting ready for bed. good night."